Let me take you on a little journey...

My Story

At a very young age I knew my life would be different from most.  I just didn't know exactly what I was being trained for. Why I was chosen to weather the storms or why I had to always choose the hardest path.  I didn't know why everything felt like a fight and why I couldn't be like the other kids in school..

I didn't know ... until I found this work!

My mind blew open and suddenly I had found the golden key that I had always been searching for...I knew it was out there, I just had to find it.

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Lets rewind a few years and start from the beginning.

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I was always as really joyful child with an abundance of love in my household.  I really couldn't ask for more loving parents, except at 11 years old my granddad died and I had no idea at that age how to process my grief.  I was consumed and drowning in my emotions so I did what every human being is programmed to do...I buried and numbed myself as protection.

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During my grief and depression I began getting bullied by the primary school teacher who didn't have the capacity to accommodate me in class.  Emotions were high and I remember vividly being made fun of in front of the class, being told to be silent when I asked a genuine question for help and forced to place my forehead against the table as a punishment for speaking.

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What I didn't know at the time was that this abuse lead to years of me shutting down my voice and my confidence. Of shrinking in a crowd and holding my breath (and voice) when I felt nervous. 

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At 14 I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for Anorexia Nervosa where I had to drop out of school temporarily to receive treatment. I later learnt that the starvation was another coping mechanism to gain some sense of control in my life, even though my life was the complete opposite. I got discharged but my eating disorder pattern continued.

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At the age of 17 I dropped into a drug addiction that span 7 years. I don't remember large sections of my life during that time but I do remember the severity of my condition.  I lost my hearing for 3 month due to the nasal passages being blocked, sometimes staying awake for 4 days straight, begging and crying to fall sleep, as well as the rupturing nervous system that fired my heart palpitations through the roof. Another coping mechanism not to feel.

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At 24 I entered a 9 year relationship where everything would come crashing down on me.  My confidence was gone, my nervous system was shot and my body dysmorphia was at an all time high.  I fluctuated between starvation and bulimia, no exercising and manic exercising...I was a ticking time bomb.  So naturally (thank you universal attraction laws...NOT!) I attracted a man that was equally as manic and body image focused.

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During those 9 years the domestic abuse gradually got worse.  I almost lost the sight in my right eye from a picture frame being smashed in my face, my right foot got infected from the corner of the door being opened onto it and I lost track of the black eyes.  Regularly getting humiliated in public, shouted at across airports, locked out in the rain and made to wait outside plus objects being thrown at me.

At this point I had very little motivation for anything. 

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I could sense the change in atmosphere in a silent room.​

I listened for the tone of the front door slamming to know my next move.

I cowered if someone walked behind me.

I hated my body that was never going to live up to my standards.

I was afraid of my own shadow and afraid to tell anyone...

I eventually escaped. I felt broken.

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My eating disorder had now span 20 years of my life, my nervous system was strung together by heart palpitations and I was still burying the grief from my childhood.

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At this point I broke and asked for help.​..Somatic help.

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To say somatics saved my life is an understatement!!!

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I learnt to compassionately forgive myself. To process and feel my emotions in a safe way, my nervous system rewired itself over time to begin to regulate and feel peace.  My confidence began to grow and I began using my voice again. I stopped using food as my coping mechanism for my emotions and attracted the most loving, supportive partner. 

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It didn't happen over night but the determination in that young woman to protect herself from feeling, is now the dedication that I apply to feeling my way to freedom.

I infuse that fire into every class & workshop that I hold because what I didn't realise, I was in training to walk the path of healing so that I can hold the space for other women to follow.  The passion and rawness I bring to session is because of the fire I'm willing to walk through for every woman that attends.

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My story might have taken me the long way around but the experience I have and the dedication to heal you can't buy.

Its an honour to do this work and be of service to others.

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Love 

Tori xx

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